Everything I've Known
by clevinger
Summary: [complete] chronicles of Catherine's life after she meets Grissom
1. Part I

If you see the characters on TV, then they ain't mine. The song is Goo Goo Doll's "Iris".  
  
  
  
  
Everything I've Known  
  
  
  
and i'd give up forever to touch you  
'cause i know that you feel me somehow  
you're the closest to heaven that i'll ever be  
and i don't want to go home right now  
  
  
  
  
"Gil Grissom, crime scene analyst."  
  
What is that, some kind of fancy euphemism for a cop? I replied suspiciously.  
  
He tried to hide his immediate shock, but I saw pass it easily. Whether he was surprised about my blunt, accusing remark or the fact that I knew what a euphemism was, I couldn't be sure. My eyes narrowed. Whenever I met someone I didn't know if I could trust, I narrowed my eyes. It was a habit. I've met too many people who've mistreated me in all sorts of ways. Way too many.  
  
"Uh, no. I'm actually a scientist."  
  
Just as bad. You still poke around other people's private business, stirring up more trouble than necessary.  
  
I glanced at the gun on his belt. He noticed, and raised an eyebrow, still watching me. Blue eyes. Deep, soft, blue eyes. They looked reliable, I guess.  
  
You ever pull the gun on anyone before?  
  
"No. And I hope I never have to."  
  
He kept his eyes locked on mine. Strange, despite the way I was dressed, his eyes never wavered, never wandered ten inches south, nor another foot south of that. He looked at me like he actually cared. He saw me as a human being. A person. A woman. I'll admit, it's been a while.  
  
"Do you know who called in the homicide?"  
  
Yes, I do.  
  
"Would you care to fill me in?"  
  
Someone who works here. Her name's Catherine.  
  
"Can you tell me who that might be?"  
  
Uh, yeah, it's me.  
  
He nodded. Was it a mistake to tell him? Well, too late now.  
  
"Were you a friend of the deceased?"  
  
We were just acquaintances, I answered.  
  
"All right, well, this officer here is going to take you down to the station to ask you a few questions."  
  
Am I a suspect or something?  
  
  
  
  
and all i can taste is this moment  
and all i can breathe is your life  
and sooner or later it's over  
i just don't want to miss you tonight  
  
  
  
  
Well, ten minutes later I found out the answer to that question. They sat me in the interrogation room for more than two hours because they discovered my fingerprints in the crime scene, which may I add was the goddamned bathroom. What the hell, people are in there all the time.  
  
"We have reason to believe that you may have wanted Miss London dead."  
  
Oh, really. What reason is that? I asked, completely unenthusiastic.  
  
"She was engaged to your ex-boyfriend."  
  
Yeah, so? I broke up with him nearly eight months ago.  
  
"Well, according to his testimony, he says he broke up with you. Not the other way around."  
  
All right, so he broke up with me. So? That doesn't prove anything.  
  
"It might."  
  
You think I was trying to take revenge on her? Like I said it was months ago.  
  
"Revenge is best served cold." Grissom replied calmly as he got up to leave, heading toward the door.  
  
You got that quote wrong. It's "revenge is a dish best served cold", said by Choderlos de LaClos. Originally written in French.  
  
I responded so fluently that I even surprised myself. He turned around and stared at me. I stared right back. I broke him. He came back and sat down across the table from me. I half smiled and half scowled inside. Smiled because he now he knew I wasn't as senseless as most thought strippers were, but scowled because I had to prove it to him by quoting some old age quote. But I got his full attention now.  
  
He was curious. He was wondering how the hell some stripper like me knew stuff like that. Appearances can be deceiving. He was trying to figure me out, remove my unrelenting disguise. He was attempting to see if I was lying. I knew he would find nothing.  
  
"Do you have an alibi?"  
  
Only about eighty pairs of eyes locked onto me on stage.  
  
"Did you get off the stage at all?"  
  
No. I got off the stage when my number had finished. That's when I went to the restroom and found Rachel.  
  
"Did you see anyone going out?"  
  
I shook my head.  
  
"How did your fingerprints get there?"  
  
Hell, I tried to help her.  
  
He was hesitant to let me go. I could read him like a book. He really tried to hide. I wasn't sure why. That was what I couldn't figure out.  
  
  
  
  
and i don't want the world to see me  
'cause i don't think that they'd understand  
when everything's made to be broken  
i just want you to know who i am  
  
  
  
  
Look, Mr. Grissom ---  
  
"Call me Gil."  
  
All right, look, Gil, you can ask my boss if I ever got off the stage. He'll tell you I didn't. Or ask one of the eighty men out there. I didn't leave the stage.  
  
"Your boss is Rex Heller?"  
  
Yeah.  
  
"Would he have any reason to want Rachel dead?"  
  
Maybe. I mean, they were arguing a lot these past few days. In front of me, the other dancers. Rachel wanted to quit because she was getting married. Rex didn't want to lose her. She attracted almost as many people as I did.  
  
"Do you think he's capable of killing her?"  
  
Well, he can get pretty violent sometimes. He bruised me two weeks ago because I was fifteen minutes late to work.  
  
"All right. You may go."  
  
You sure?  
  
"Yeah. Go ahead."  
  
I stood up from the table hesitantly, and left.  
  
I didn't hear from him again. I only heard about the investigation on the news. It turned out Rex really did kill Rachel. Son of a bitch. I trusted him. Well, he just proved my theory right. All men are just bastards, taking advantage of women, and all that load of crap.  
  
That Grissom guy proved me right too. He never came back. He promised he would come back and let me know what was going on. Lying bastard. I didn't see him for a week. I hate it when men lie, especially to a woman. That was the one kind of guy I hated. A thousand broken promises. Just one more to add to the already extravagantly long list. And I actually liked that guy. I thought I could actually trust him. Believe him. I thought he was different. But now I can just see it plain as day, he was just another ---  
  
  
  
  
and you can't fight the tears that ain't coming  
or the moment of truth in your lies  
when everything feels like the movies  
yeah, you'd bleed just to know you're alive  
  
  
  
  
"Hey, Catherine."  
  
I whirled around, stunned. I knew it was him. My god, it really was him. He kept his promise. He was late, but hell, he was here in front of me.  
  
Gil Grissom. I never thought you'd come back in a million years.  
  
"A promise is a promise. I know I'm late about a week and all, but I decided to drop by anyway. You know, to see how you were doing."  
  
I'm all right, Gil. How've you been?  
  
"Busy. I've been busy, but I have a few days off."  
  
Then, should I be flattered you're spending your precious seconds here with me?  
  
He smiled. We ended up going out for a couple drinks, and I found I actually truly enjoyed his company. I was wrong about him. And I don't mind admitting that. He was intelligent, sophisticated, gentle, and best of all, he respected me. He didn't see me just as a piece of flesh. I was more than that.  
  
He told me about the case he had just finished that night. A woman was found dead on the highway. The only clue he had were some plant spores found on her shirt.  
  
"By identifying the plant the spores came from, you can trace where she was just before she was killed."  
  
Palynology, the study of spores and pollen.  
  
"Yeah. How'd you know that?"  
  
I graduated UNLV with a degree in medical technology. It was a follow up report.  
  
"This year?"  
  
Last year.  
  
"Wow. That's really great. You should be proud."  
  
Thanks. I am.  
  
  
  
  
and i don't want the world to see me  
'cause i don't think that they'd understand  
when everything's made to be broken  
i just want you to know who i am  
  
and i don't want the world to see me  
'cause i don't think that they'd understand  
when everything's made to be broken  
i just want you to know who i am  
  
i just want you to know who i am  
i just want you to know who i am  
i just want you to know who i am 


	2. Part II

The song is "I Walk Alone", belonging to Oleander. The characters aren't mine either. Sucks, huh?  
  
  
  
  
  
Everything I've Known (Part II)  
  
  
  
  
Gil was different. He was the kind of guy that when you talked to him, he listened, while all the other men I've ever known nodded their head and said "Yeah, I understand", but were really thinking about how they could get me into bed. He listened. I mean, truly listened.  
  
What's more he never passed judgment. He understood me like no one ever had. When I spoke, he focused all his attention on me like he really cared about me. Nobody's ever done that before. I was more than what everyone at the club thought I was. And I realized it myself. I guess I just forgot after being there so long. Sometimes just thinking about Gil made me want to burst into tears. He was so good to me, and he didn't demand of anything in return, unlike so many other men.  
  
We didn't have a romance. I'll say that right now. We did not. It was more than a friendship though because numerous times we did happen to end up in bed together. Either we were completely bombed or we were in emotional overload and breakdown and we just needed someone that night. We had a strange relationship. It wasn't romantic but nor was it just a plain friendship. It was somewhere in between. We went to each other when things fell apart and the world was crashing down on us.  
  
We had sex. More than a few times. So what? It was...I couldn't really tell. It was meaningless, and yet it wasn't. I loved him, yet I didn't. I guess we never really actually got together because Gil and I both knew it would never work out. We knew it for a fact. We both were independent, stubborn, unyielding thinkers. We'd clash within minutes if we ever entered a romance. We never broached the idea, but somehow we just knew. We just left it at a casual relationship with no strings attached.  
  
That first night, I remember so clearly, he had a hard night on the graveyard. He came around to my place around four in the morning.  
  
"I'm sorry, Cath. I know I shouldn't have come, but I just needed to see you."  
  
No, it's all right. Come in. Is everything okay?  
  
We talked for awhile. I could tell immediately he was feeling miserable. And suddenly on impulse, I kissed him. There was nothing friendly about that kiss either, but he didn't push me away. The next second later we were making out like we were a bunch of teenagers. Well, one thing led to another, and...you know how it goes.  
  
Like I said, Gil was different. A good different. He was the complete opposite of every other man I've ever had. He was gentle and soothing. His breath was soft, warm. And I found myself wondering how someone who could classify the mushroom growing outside in the lawn into class and order, could also be the same one running his fingers through my hair and making me tingle. To sum up in a sentence, he was amazing. I always imagined him to be one of those guys who kept asking if they were hurting you or something when you couldn't even feel a thing. No, he wasn't like that either. He was so harmonized with me, I swore he was reading my mind.  
  
I woke the next morning and found myself lying on the couch, his arms around me. It was the first time I had ever woken up without regrets. I was afraid I would wake up to find it were only a dream.  
  
I know you think this must be the strangest thing ever, but between Gil and I, everything was perfect. We had each other to talk to, go to, and to appease our own loneliness. Though we were both free to see other people, neither of us did. We were satisfied with each other. It's not a healthy relationship, I know. I know, but I was happy. It had been a while since I'd actually been fully content with myself.  
  
Then, it happened. Gil got a job offer. In Chicago. He told me, and then read my eyes. I was hurting. It felt like he had broken my heart, though we didn't even have a real relationship. I just repeated those words over and over in my head, "No strings attached".   
  
We were standing outside of the French Palace. It was just a few minutes before I had to go on. That's when he told me. That's when he chose to tell me.  
  
I couldn't look away. I wanted to, but I couldn't. We kept staring into each other's eyes. I spoke first.  
  
When do you leave?  
  
"Tomorrow morning, if I want it. But, look, Cath, I don't have to go, if you don't - "  
  
No, Gil, you should go.  
  
"But, Cath - "  
  
It's what you really want.  
  
"What about you?"  
  
What about me?  
  
"I don't want to leave you."  
  
Gil, what are you talking about? We agreed this would be a casual relationship. Just late night talking, drinking, and sex. That's all it was.  
  
"I still you don't want to leave you."  
  
Gil, I whispered, you were never here.  
  
"But I - "  
  
Don't say it.  
  
He nodded. "I do though."  
  
I do too.  
  
I couldn't look at him anymore. It hurt too much. I leaned in and kissed him hard, running my fingers through his brownish blond hair one last time. I pulled away, and straightened out his shirt collar for him. He watched me. He didn't say anything. The one time I needed him to say something more, he kept quiet. I blinked back my tears, and looked up at him. I couldn't figure out what his eyes were saying to me either. For the first time since I've met him, I couldn't understand him.  
  
Bye, Gil.  
  
"Wait, Catherine - "  
  
I had already walked away. I knew he wouldn't come after me. I was positive he wouldn't. And he didn't. He stood where he was, and watched me walk away. I could still feel his eyes on me as I tore into the French Palace and disappeared into the crowd.  
  
  
  
  
everybody and everything i've known  
never taught me how to stand up on my own  
had to learn it from the one who let me go  
now i walk alone  
yeah, i walk alone  
yeah, i walk alone  
i walk alone  
i walk alone  
i walk alone...  
- oleander - 


	3. Part III

Still aren't mine. Quit hasslin' me.  
  
  
  
  
  
Everything I've Known (Part III)  
  
  
  
  
  
Gil left. He left with a piece of me. I didn't see him again after that night in front of the French Palace. It had also been the first time I'd ever cried over a man because I loved him, not out of hatred for what he had done to me. I loved him.  
  
It would've never worked out. That's the way we were. Independent. We need to know we're able to fly any time we wanted, that we're not being encumbered by someone else. That was the reason we never entered a romance. We were the same. So much alike that it would've never worked. After he had left to Chicago, I truly regretted not having more than just physical aspects, though I never said it aloud.  
  
The thing is, I couldn't picture him with me in anything other than just a casual relationship. And that was what we agreed on. A casual relationship. No strings attached. My exact words when we actually got around to discussing it for five minutes. No strings attached.  
  
But things were different now that he was gone. Some nights I missed him so much, I cried myself to sleep in the dark. Other nights I wouldn't sleep at all. I'd just lay in bed and stare at the ceiling, thinking about the reckless times we ended up together on his dining room table and kitchen floor.  
  
I missed having him listen to me ramble on and on about absolutely nothing. I missed laughing so hard till we cried. I missed putting on his on one of his shirts the morning after we had been together. I missed how he always brushed the strands of my hair away from my face, and hooking it behind my ear. I missed how whenever people laughed at me, he shut them up. Most of all, I missed his eyes. Deep blue, gentle, unforgettable eyes.  
  
It was one of those miserable nights that I met Eddie Willows. It had been about two months after Gil left, and yet I was still thinking about him day and night. I couldn't help it. Gil had branded his mark on me, and all I could think about was him.  
  
"Hey, was that you up there before?" A stranger said to me.  
  
Yeah, so?  
  
"Jeez, you practically hypnotized the whole room. I swear, nobody looked away."  
  
Well, apparently you did.  
  
"What?"  
  
Well, you had to have looked away to see that everyone else wasn't looking away.  
  
He smiled, extending his hand. "I'm Eddie. Eddie Willows."  
  
Catherine.  
  
And that began the long chain of events.  
  
Eddie wasn't horrible. He wasn't. Just misguided, I guess. He really wasn't horrible. In fact, he showered me with presents, compliments, the works. Despite of all that attention, I still couldn't help thinking about Gil every now and then, and wonder what he was doing or where he was. Just a mere wondering. Not that I would ever do anything to find out. Sometimes, it was just a nice thought to think when I was feeling miserable.  
  
I was careful to never mention Gil to Eddie. I didn't want him to think I was thinking of other men. I wasn't. Gil was just a nice getaway once in a while. I swore to myself I wouldn't think about him too much. He had probably moved on like me.  
  
Eddie was different from Gil.  
  
He was protective in a way that sometimes went overboard. After we started going out, he would barely even let me talk to any other guy, though he needed my money from the strip club sometimes. That he didn't mind.  
  
Eddie also didn't really know about my sensitive, intellectual side that Gil knew. With Gil we could converse until dawn about books, poems, and the sort, and never get tired or bored for that matter. Gil knew I was nothing like what I appeared to be at the strip club. He knew the person behind all that. The talented, smart, steely, independent me that was under that outer layer of humiliation I felt night after night up on that damned stage. Gil knew I wasn't the stripper. Eddie, I don't think, ever saw that. And yet with all that he didn't know, I couldn't refuse the idea of marrying him. He charmed me into it with his puppy-dog eyes.  
  
So we got married. That was when the problems began too. We didn't have much money, and Eddie wasn't a big help in earning it, just wasting it on beer and appeasing our cocaine habit. I won't say I didn't squander our money because I did. I kept getting in and out of rehab. It's just I knew when I was in rehab, the money was diminishing and I was getting better, but what was the use of that if once I got out I had no money to buy even a loaf of bread? The way I saw it through my stubborn point of view was that it was better I was out there working, and fighting the addiction myself, than stuck in rehab. At least this way, I had just enough cash every week. Yeah, I tried to fight my coke problem, but I really couldn't. I just couldn't. Eddie got pissed off frequently now because I couldn't make enough dough.  
  
Then, something else happened. I got pregnant. Eddie had always wanted a bunch of kids, but now wasn't exactly the best time. I was also terrified he'd bitch at me about the timing. We were in a financial crisis. He had a change of heart though. He made a serious effort to pull the financial situation together. He quit drinking, and I got rid of my cocaine problem. It was a hell of a fight, but we got through, and within nine months, Lindsey was born. God, Eddie adored her. He could barely go without holding her for a few minutes. He was the one who got up in the middle of the night when she started crying. He took care of her nearly twenty four - seven, while I went job hunting.  
  
I couldn't possibly strip anymore. I had to pull it together to support my family since Eddie couldn't always make enough.  
  
It was then he came back. I was just walking out of the French Palace on my last few days of my two weeks notice, when I saw him standing in the same place we had said good bye years back. He saw me too.  
  
Hey.  
  
"Hey."  
  
What are you doing here, Gil?  
  
"Is that question in disdain or just plain curiosity?"  
  
Definitely not in disdain, I said, shaking my head and smiling.  
  
"I came back."  
  
I opened my mouth to speak, but that second, Eddie drove up to the curb to pick me up with Lindsey in the back. He got out of the car, and came up to me, kissing my brow.  
  
"Hey, honey bunches of oats." He teased, putting an arm around me. "You ready to go?"  
  
Yeah, I answered softly.  
  
I honestly couldn't see how I could've said no to Eddie. God, Gil was broken. I could tell. He held himself together, but I could tell he was hurt. I could also tell he came back for me, though he didn't say it. Women's instincts.  
  
Eddie led me to the car, and opened the door for me. I watched Gil through the window as Eddie was walking around the car to the other side. Gil was crushed. Words couldn't even describe his expression. It was blank, vacant, yet you could tell there was something behind that disguise. Eddie got into the car, and drove away. I took a deep breath.  
  
"Hey, who was that anyway?"  
  
An old friend. I haven't seen him in almost three years.  
  
And that was the end of that. Eddie and I never talked about him again.  
  
I couldn't find a job. At least not something that's less humiliating than stripping, and pays better. It was hopeless. Eddie was getting impatient too. I was unemployed. Eddie's music career wasn't exactly paying off either. Once again, we were in a rut. I didn't know what to do. And out of desperation, I called Gil and asked him out for a drink. We met in the usual place where we used to go.  
  
"So, is everything all right?"  
  
Yeah, everything's all right. I just wanted to see you. I mean, the other day, we didn't really get a chance to catch up.  
  
Well, we spent some time talking almost like old times. I told him about Eddie and Lindsey. I stayed away from my coke era though. He was affiliated with the police, and though I trusted him completely, I couldn't tell him. I knew he would've been a little disappointed inside.  
  
"Why do I get the feeling you didn't just want to see me to catch up?"  
  
All right. It's just I've recently quit the French Palace, and I'm looking for a job. And you know, I hate to ask you like this since you just came back a week ago, but -  
  
"You need a loan?"  
  
I'm sorry. I'm a little short this month.  
  
"You know, I can give you something better."  
  
What?  
  
"There's an opening in my department. You interested?"  
  
Forensics stuff?  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Well, would they accept me?  
  
"You have a degree in the area. Medical technology."  
  
Yeah, I mean...  
  
"What?"  
  
I mean, because of my previous profession.  
  
"Don't worry about that." He checked his watch. "Hey, listen, my shift starts in a half hour, I have to go."  
  
Yeah, I better start heading home too.  
  
I stood up from the bar counter with him. He helped me into my coat, and we walked out into the street.  
  
"I'll see what I can do about that opening."  
  
Thanks a lot, Gil. Really, I mean it.  
  
"You're welcome." 


	4. Part IV

Again, these characters are not mine, and neither is the song. It's Linkin Park's "In the End".  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Everything I've Known (Part IV)  
  
  
  
  
It starts with one thing  
I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind  
I designed this rhyme to explain in due time  
  
  
  
  
Well, I got in. I had to pull the graveyard shift, but hell, it was fine with me. Eddie didn't seem to mind until I told him Gil was the one who got me in. He didn't fret about it too much since it did get everything back to normal. Another good thing was it gave me a chance to see Gil more. I found I was happy again. I was doing something I loved. Every crime was like a puzzle, and I just looked at it as if I were a kid again.  
  
Anyway, like I was saying, everything was going all right until Eddie thought Gil and I were getting too close. He thought I slept with him. Which I had, but definitely not while I was with Eddie. I didn't say that though. I just told Eddie straight out I did not sleep with Gil. Actually, I told him I did not sleep with GRISSOM. That one word made all the difference, and I made absolutely sure I said Grissom.  
  
"Don't lie, Cath." He replied.  
  
  
  
  
All I know, time is a valuable thing  
Watch it fly by as the pendulum swings  
Watch it count down to the end of the day  
The clock ticks life away - it's so unreal  
  
  
  
  
He slapped me softly on the face. Just that once. Softly. Almost playfully. I slapped him back, hard as I could, enough to make my own hand sting.  
  
That was the only time he had ever hit me. He was violent, but it was the only time he ever hit me. Ever. Even with our arguments back in the days before Lindsey about money, cocaine, or whatever it was that night, Eddie never hit me. He threw things around the house, but never at me. He never laid an angry hand on me. Well, it was over for that night. He went up to bed, and I slept on the couch, too angry to want to share a bed.  
  
I didn't tell Gil what had happened. I didn't want to drag him into the mess. My mess. He had already done so much, he didn't need this.  
  
And suddenly, everything seemed like normal again. Keyword: seemed. I went to a remote bar on the highway one night on a day off. I didn't exactly want anyone to see me. Not even Gil. I was feeling distant lately, like I didn't know who I was. Lindsey was at my sister's, and I assumed Eddie was off somewhere downtown, drinking himself to oblivion. My mistake.  
  
  
  
  
Didn't look out below  
Watch the time go right out the window  
Trying to hold on, but didn't even know  
Wasted it all just to watch you go  
  
  
  
  
The first thing I saw when I walked into the bar was him. In the back corner. His arms around a woman. They were making out like they were the only people in that whole goddamned bar. I only saw the back of his head, but I was two hundred percent positive it was him. He was wearing the shirt I had given him for Christmas the previous year. The tag was sticking out. His tags were always sticking out. It was his typical characteristic. He was also wearing those damn shoes I kept tripping over every night after work. And his hair was parted the way he always parted it. I could've strangled him right then and there, but I managed to keep my cool. And may I add with difficulty. I stalked out of the bar and drove home without shedding a tear. Without saying a word. Without even thinking about it too much. I just wanted to get home. And wait. Wait for him to step through the door so I could tear him to pieces.  
  
So I waited in the dark. I sat stolid on the couch in the living room, trying to drown myself in Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, and Elton John. I didn't cry. I was too frustrated and angry to cry. Frustrated that I hadn't seen this coming earlier. And angry, obviously, at Eddie. And what made me even more angry was that I knew he was trying to take revenge on me because I supposedly slept with Gil. We actually had never discussed that topic again, but I knew deep inside he thought he was absolutely correct.  
  
  
  
  
I kept everything inside  
And even though I tried, it all fell apart  
What it meant to me will eventually  
Be a memory of a time when...  
  
  
  
  
He came into house at three in the morning. I could tell by the bounce in his step he had sex. I could always tell. He was my lousy husband after all.  
  
I didn't make a sound. I just sat still there on the couch. I barely moved. Barely blinked. I heard him fumbling in the darkness, probably drunk. The light switched on.  
  
"Jesus Christ, Cath!" He yelled. "You scared the crap outta me. I thought you were in bed! What the hell are you still doing up? Don't you know what time it is?"  
  
He was rambling. He knew I had a bone to pick if I were up that late. He kept talking. I wasn't listening though. I didn't even look at him. I just kept staring at the wall across from me. My mind was going blurry.  
  
  
  
  
I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall to lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  
  
  
  
Where were you, Ed?  
  
"At the - "  
  
Who is she?  
  
"What?"  
  
I asked you a question, and I want an answer. Who the hell is she?  
  
He sat down on the couch beside me, resting his elbows on his knees. He buried his face in his hands.  
  
"Someone I met at the Orpheus." He finally muttered softly. It was like he was afraid of me. He didn't even try to deny it.  
  
What's her name?  
  
"Catherine - "  
  
What in goddamned hell is her name, Ed?  
  
He let out a sharp breath, and ran his hand through his hair.  
  
"Her name's Melanie."  
  
  
  
  
One thing  
I don't know why  
It doesn't even matter how hard you try  
Keep that in mind  
I designed this rhyme to remind myself how...  
  
  
  
  
I was silent. But he apparently had a lot to say. A lot he had been holding back.  
  
"Look, Catherine, I would've never been with her if I didn't think you were with Grissom night after night, Jesus Christ!"  
  
But yours were only assumptions, Eddie. I actually saw you. You didn't see Grissom and I together because we never were together.  
  
"Hey, you confronted me about Melanie, and I told you straight out! I'm not denying - "  
  
Because I saw you! There's nothing to deny if I saw you two with my own eyes! That's just fact.  
  
"Then tell me I'm wrong about you and - "  
  
You're wrong! I retorted, finally facing him and looking him in the eye.  
  
He looked back at me. Then, after a moment, he stood up and left, slamming the door quietly behind him. He got into his car, and drove away.  
  
  
  
  
I tried so hard in spite of the way you were mocking me  
Acting like I was part of your property  
Remembering all the times you fought with me  
I'm surprised it got so far  
  
  
  
  
About a week later, I managed to locate him at a motel somewhere. I called him and told him I needed to see him. So, he came. It was raining like hell, but I went out to meet him when he pulled the car up to the curb, and stepped out.  
  
Here, I said, handing him some papers.  
  
"What is it?"  
  
Divorce papers.  
  
"What?"  
  
You cheated on me. I found out. Now, I'm divorcing you. Clear enough?  
  
"What about Lindsey?"  
  
We'll figure out something for Lindsey, and we'll both talk to her in due time.  
  
"I want the house."  
  
It's not for you to want. It's my house.  
  
"It's our house, Catherine."  
  
No, it's my house. I worked my ass off for this house and for you for God knows how many years. I'm staying; you're going.  
  
"You just can't wait to get me out so you can go to Grissom." He sneered.  
  
The only reason I would've ever gone to Grissom if I had, would be because you drove me to him! And you're the one who didn't want to fight for our marriage. We had problems from the beginning, and you didn't try to pull it back together! You ran away!  
  
"Catherine, I - "  
  
You can't just pull me out of your life and throw me away when someone better comes along. You don't even know who I am.  
  
  
  
  
Things aren't the way they were before  
You wouldn't even recognize me anymore  
Not that you knew me back then  
But it all comes back to me  
In the end  
  
  
  
  
He was afraid. For the first time, he was afraid. He was afraid of me. Eddie Willows, the one who managed to bully me into everything and anything, was afraid of me. My words were that strong against him. They had more power than I would've ever thought. And that was all I ever had to do. Tell him off. And yet I never had the guts to do it because I was terrified he would leave me. I should've done it sooner. God, wasted are the days.  
  
  
  
  
You kept everything inside  
And even though I tried, it all fell apart  
What it meant to me will eventually  
Be a memory of a time when...  
  
  
  
  
So, Eddie left. He left. And I made sure it was for good. That night, I went over to Gil's place. I didn't want to be alone.  
  
"Hey, Cath." Gil said as he opened the door. "Something wrong?"  
  
Can I crash at your place tonight, Gil?  
  
His smile was worried.  
  
And it was there I cried. I finally let it out. I hadn't shed a tear when I found Eddie at the bar. Not when I confronted him when he came back. Not when I hurled the divorce papers in his face. But now. Here in Gil's arms, I was finally able to let it all out.  
  
Eddie cheated on me.  
  
Gil didn't look surprised. It actually looked like he felt guilty. He didn't answer for some time, and we both sat there in silence.  
  
You knew, I finally said when I figured it out.  
  
He nodded slowly.  
  
Why didn't you tell me?  
  
  
  
  
I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall to lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
  
  
  
  
"You seemed so happy. I didn't want to tell you and be the cause of your misery, Cath."  
  
I would've never blamed you. It would've been Eddie.  
  
"But still."  
  
I didn't know whether I should tell Gil about the divorce or not. I didn't feel like it. I was too tired from everything.  
  
"What are you going to do about it?"  
  
I don't know, I lied.  
  
After talking a bit more, I dozed off on the couch. In the middle of the night, I woke up halfway. I could tell Gil was there, but I was too sleepy to fully open my eyes. I felt him carrying me up to his bedroom where he laid me on the bed, and pulled the covers over me. I wasn't sure if it were real, or I was dreaming.  
  
I woke up the next morning and found myself in his bed. I made my way clumsily down the stairs to discover Gil had taken my place on the sofa.  
  
  
  
  
I've put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
I've put my trust in you  
Pushed as far as I can go  
And for all this  
There's only one thing you should know  
  
I tried so hard  
And got so far  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter  
I had to fall to lose it all  
But in the end  
It doesn't even matter 


	5. Part V

The characters aren't mine, and neither is the song. It's Hoobastank's "Crawling in the Dark".  
  
  
  
  
Everything I've Known (Part V)  
  
  
  
  
i will dedicate and sacrifice my everything  
for just a second's worth of how my story's ending  
and i wish i could know  
if the directions that i take  
and all the choices that i make  
won't end up all for nothing  
  
  
  
  
After that, I drifted from my personal life. I stuck to my job like superglue. I never talked to Grissom about anything other than work again. I just merely told him I was divorcing Eddie. Grissom tried speaking to me numerous times about stuff, but I kept pushing him away. I started calling him Grissom, as you probably noticed. And I don't really even know why.  
  
I just needed to figure things out on my own. For so long, I've been overshadowed and hidden by other people. I let them push me around and manipulate me until I have no goddamned clue who the hell I am. I'm just sick and tired of some else's thoughts in my head. I want some of my own for God's sake. I need to be on my own. I mean, hell, I've been on my own since I was sixteen, but it was different. That was physically on my own, now that I've let go of Eddie, I needed to be independent mentally, emotionally. I needed to free myself from everyone's cage.  
  
  
  
  
show me what it's for  
make me understand it  
i've been crawling in the dark  
looking for the answer  
is there something more than what i've been handed?  
i've been crawling in the dark  
looking for the answer  
  
  
  
  
I needed to find myself in all this world's mess, and figure out how I fit into the big picture. I just wanted everybody to leave me alone. The more I pulled away, the more everyone kept closing on me, asking me every time we met if I were all right now that Eddie was gone. Screw Eddie. He had nothing to do with it.  
  
This was all me. All my doing. And I loved it. I loved to think for myself without having to prove bull to anybody. To win someone's damned approval. The only approval I needed was my own, and I had it. I didn't need someone's approval to find the worth I already had in myself. It's just that nobody saw it. And for some time, I didn't see it either. The men at the strip club just blinded me. Convinced me I was worthless. That I was just flesh and bones. That I had nothing of value inside of me.  
  
Then I met Grissom. He changed all that. He reminded me of my intellectual, unyielding, determined, steely side that had arrived at Las Vegas at age sixteen on my own. I had been on my own then, flying from the coop. I can be on my own now, fighting against the storm. He changed my total perspective on everything.  
  
  
  
  
help me carry on  
assure me it's okay to  
use my heart and not my eyes  
to navigate the darkness  
will the ending be ever coming suddenly?  
will i ever get to see the ending to my story?  
  
  
  
  
But then I met Eddie. I guess Grissom's belief in me and my belief in myself just disintegrated. Everything I had ever stood up for just went away. I'm pathetic, I know. It's just I've never been able to truly face a man before and tell him off. Well, at least not someone I knew personally. Random men at the strip club, a cinch. But men I actually knew, now that's something different.  
  
My dad for instance. I could never look him in the eye and tell him straight out I wasn't going to let him step on me anymore. Whenever we argued, I always was the first to back down. I hated that, but I couldn't do anything about it. It killed me. I hated that. It felt like he could always melt my courage, dignity, pride, and poise into a compost heap with just one of his looks. And I'm not talking about some hard staring contest. Even his simple everyday kind of glance could dissolve all my words and emotions I had wanted to hurl at him every time I saw his face. Goddamn. To this day, I bet you the world I still can't face him down. That's the way things are. To my mother, this was how there was harmony in the house. My dad rules me and I abide.  
  
  
  
  
show me what it's for  
make me understand it  
i've been crawling in the dark  
looking for the answer  
is there something more than what i've been handed?  
i've been crawling in the dark  
looking for the answer  
  
  
  
  
Eddie, exhibit B, ladies and gentlemen. I could barely challenge him that day, standing on the lawn in the pouring rain, handing him the divorce papers. I could've collapsed, but I knew I had to do it for the sake of my daughter. I listened to him to a fault. I was just afraid he would leave. Turns out I left him. Oh, the irony of it all. Well, at least I showed him I could be stronger. I turned him into a wishy-washy, spineless seven year old scared to hell about the boogey monster. I guess I just needed a bad relationship to really shake me up and show me how much I've got in me.  
  
I had known it all along I was worth just as much as those bastards at the strip club and Eddie, but I just couldn't see clearly. My fault. I let them blind me. And they did a damn good job, I'll give them that. Lousy bastards.  
  
  
  
  
how much further do i have to go?  
how much longer until i finally know?  
because i'm looking  
and i just can't see what's in front of me  
in front of me  
  
  
  
  
I pushed Grissom away. I didn't mean to. I guess we both realized things had changed. A lot. I never meant that to happen. I always wanted to tell him, apologize how things had turned out, but I could never find the right time. The right words to use.  
  
I still wanted him. It's just after the divorce, everything was turned upside down so dramatically, I had to spend every hour of every day picking up the pieces of my former life. And now that all aspects are finally set in order again, I didn't think Grissom wanted to have anything to do with me. I kept getting mixed signals. And I didn't know what to do with them.  
  
Hello, I said semi-enthusiastically as I knocked on the open door of his office.  
  
"Hey." He spun around. He was fixing his tie. "Nice tan."  
  
Nice suit.  
  
"Yeah, well, I knew you were coming back today, so I dressed up." He replied matter-of-factly with a rare smirk playing across his face. He sat down with in open book.  
  
Yeah, right, I said sarcastically with a smile of my own.  
  
"Really." He insisted.  
  
I gave him the once-over, and raised my eyebrows almost involuntarily. It was uncommon to see him in a suit. But the few and far between times were always enjoyable. The last time I had seen him in a suit was the day he returned to Las Vegas. That day in front of the French Palace. Since then, I had hardly ever seen him in a suit.  
  
"What?" He noticed my intent, day-dreamy stare.  
  
Nothing, I answered anxiously, suddenly aware I was standing in his office again, It's just...unusual to...see you dressed...like that.  
  
"I had to go to the chief's funeral." He finally admitted.  
  
Missed me that much, huh?  
  
  
  
  
show me what it's for  
make me understand it  
i've been crawling in the dark  
looking for the answer  
is there something more than what i've been handed?  
i've been crawling in the dark  
looking for the answer 


	6. Part VI

Theirs, not mine. The song is Bruce Springsteen's "Streets of Philadelphia".  
  
  
  
  
Everything I've Known (Part VI)  
  
  
  
  
  
Grissom, hey. Is something wrong?  
  
"No, nothing's wrong. Just wanted to see if you wanted to go out for a drink."  
  
Sure, just let me get my coat.  
  
So, we went to our usual, quiet bar downtown. We had our standard few drinks, standard few laughs, and a standard few moments of meeting each others' eyes along with the unbearable silence that nearly always killed us.  
  
Hey, let's dance, I said on a sudden whim as I jumped up from the bar stool.  
  
"I don't dance."  
  
Oh, come on, Grissom. This is one of my favorite songs.  
  
I took his hand, and managed to stand him up, though reluctantly.  
  
We made our way to the dance floor, and we put our arms around each other, slowly swaying with the soft music. It suddenly felt like old times again.  
  
  
  
I was bruised and battered  
And I couldn't tell what I felt  
I was unrecognizable to myself  
Saw my reflection in a window  
And didn't know my own face  
Oh, brother, you gonna leave me wastin' away  
On the streets of Philadelphia  
  
  
  
  
All those miserable years with Eddie were melting away like they had never happened. Like Grissom had never left to Chicago. Like it was just another night of many. I felt like I had found myself again.  
  
  
  
  
I walked the avenue till my legs felt like stone  
I heard the voices of friends vanished and gone  
At night I could hear the blood in my veins  
Black and whispering as the rain  
On the streets of Philadelphia  
  
  
  
  
Hey, Gil?  
  
He looked at me a little surprised. I rarely called him by his first name since - well, since everything that had ever happened happened.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
Thanks.  
  
"For what?"  
  
For everything.  
  
" 'We've had this date with each other from the beginning.' "  
  
A Streetcar Named Desire.  
  
"Of course."  
  
  
  
  
Ain't no angel gonna greet me  
It's just you and I, my friend  
And my clothes don't fit me no more  
I walked a thousand miles  
Just to slip this skin  
  
The night has fallen  
I'm lyin' awake  
I can feel myself fading away  
So, receive me Brother with your faithless kiss  
Or will we leave each other alone like this  
On the streets of Philadelphia  
  
  
  
  
And suddenly it struck me. It was all over. I could never have more. Too many things had come between us to make any sort of relationship other than friendship work out now. It was too late, and we both knew it. It would've been too strange and awkward to start a romance after nearly twenty years as much as we both wanted to. It was all too complicated.  
  
It would've put a huge strain on our relationship if everything didn't work out. And now that we've gone this far, we can't jeopardize what we have for an ending to a story that was never ours to begin with. It would be selfish and irresponsible of us to lay everything on the line like that. We couldn't demand more than a friendship. And we both knew it. It was unspoken, yet we knew. That was the only kind of relationship we could ever have. An unspoken one.  
  
Besides, who would we go to when the sky came crashing down on our romance one day?  
  
Maybe someday, but for now we only have each other.  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END  
  
"The end that is never the end..." -Greenwheel-  
  
  
Author's Note: Possible continuation in the works. Ideas? Email me - underdog814@email.com  
Thanks for your reviews and support. 


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